Bert Hellinger found that every family system has natural laws that govern the health of the system. He called these the “Orders of Love.” When these laws are violated in some way, love and relationships can be damaged, leading to entanglements.
Bert Hellinger
Eight Orders of Love* (Or laws that contain the success of love in family systems).
1. Parents give, and Children take (Parents give life)
2. Parents give more than Children (There is always a disparity in favor of the parents in giving)
3. Love succeeds best when children are children and parent are parents. (Children cannot be bigger than their parents - Parents cannot make children big - Parentification)
4. Honoring the Right to Membership (all family members have an equal right to belong)
5. Maintaining Completeness (A family system feels whole and complete when everyone belongs)
6. Protecting the Hierarchy within a System (precedence is based on time – who came before is first)
7. Maintaining Precedence Between Different Systems (the newest family system has precedence over the previous family system)
8. Accepting the Limitation of Time (Families must release the past that no longer has a good effect)
Additional systemic dynamics:
1. A family system is brought into symmetry when the masculine is allowed to lead in the true service of the family and the feminine. (The masculine role protects the family; the feminine role nurtures it.)
2. We cannot love anyone we identify with or are entangled (We can only love a person we experience as separate from us.)
3. Whoever gives too much or takes too much in a relationship creates an imbalanced, unstable or static relationship that often turns into conflict. (Dynamic reciprocity)
4. When a victim sees their perpetrator is guilty and the perpetrator sees their victim suffered, the tragic bond between them can be released. (Victims must see that the perpetrator is actually guilty for what was done).
5. When a family comes into its correct symmetry everyone relaxes. (Order stabilizes energy)
*Bert Hellinger with Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont, Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, (1998) pages 51-53, 92-94, 152-159. (Edited by Suzi Tucker)
Annotations by Barry Krost
1. Parents give, and Children take (Parents give life)
2. Parents give more than Children (There is always a disparity in favor of the parents in giving)
3. Love succeeds best when children are children and parent are parents. (Children cannot be bigger than their parents - Parents cannot make children big - Parentification)
4. Honoring the Right to Membership (all family members have an equal right to belong)
5. Maintaining Completeness (A family system feels whole and complete when everyone belongs)
6. Protecting the Hierarchy within a System (precedence is based on time – who came before is first)
7. Maintaining Precedence Between Different Systems (the newest family system has precedence over the previous family system)
8. Accepting the Limitation of Time (Families must release the past that no longer has a good effect)
Additional systemic dynamics:
1. A family system is brought into symmetry when the masculine is allowed to lead in the true service of the family and the feminine. (The masculine role protects the family; the feminine role nurtures it.)
2. We cannot love anyone we identify with or are entangled (We can only love a person we experience as separate from us.)
3. Whoever gives too much or takes too much in a relationship creates an imbalanced, unstable or static relationship that often turns into conflict. (Dynamic reciprocity)
4. When a victim sees their perpetrator is guilty and the perpetrator sees their victim suffered, the tragic bond between them can be released. (Victims must see that the perpetrator is actually guilty for what was done).
5. When a family comes into its correct symmetry everyone relaxes. (Order stabilizes energy)
*Bert Hellinger with Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont, Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, (1998) pages 51-53, 92-94, 152-159. (Edited by Suzi Tucker)
Annotations by Barry Krost