Bert Hellinger found that every family system has natural laws that govern the health of the system. He called these the “Orders of Love.”

Bert Hellinger

Eight Orders of Love* (Or laws that contain the success of love in family systems).
 
1. Parents give, and Children take (Parents give life)

2. Parents give more than Children (There is always a disparity in favor of the parents in giving)

3. Love succeeds best when children are children and parent are parents. (Children cannot be bigger than their parents - Parents cannot make children big - Parentification)

4. Honoring the Right to Membership (all family members have an equal right to belong)

5. Maintaining Completeness (A family system feels whole and complete when everyone belongs)

6. Protecting the Hierarchy within a System (precedence is based on time – who came before is first)

7. Maintaining Precedence Between Different Systems (the newest family system has precedence over the previous family system)

8. Accepting the Limitation of Time (Families must release the past that no longer has a good effect) 


Additional systemic dynamics: 

1. A family system is brought into symmetry when the masculine is allowed to lead in the true service of the family and the feminine. (The masculine role protects the family; the feminine role nurtures it.)

2. We cannot love anyone we identify with or are entangled (We can only love a person we experience as separate from us.)

3. Whoever gives too much or takes too much in a relationship creates an imbalanced, unstable or static relationship that often turns into conflict. (Dynamic reciprocity)

4. When a victim sees their perpetrator is guilty and the perpetrator sees their victim suffered, the tragic bond between them can be released. (Victims must see that the perpetrator is actually guilty for what was done). 

5. When a family comes into its correct symmetry everyone relaxes. (Order stabilizes energy)

*Bert Hellinger with Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont, Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, (1998) pages 51-53, 92-94, 152-159. (Edited by Suzi Tucker)

​Annotations by Barry Krost

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Frequently Asked Questions About Hellingers Eight Orders of Love

1. What are the “Orders of Love”?

The “Orders of Love” are systemic principles discovered by Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellation Therapy. They describe the natural laws that support balance, harmony, and connection within a family system. When these orders are followed, love flows freely; when they are disrupted, issues such as conflict, illness, or disconnection can arise.

2. What are the main Orders of Love?

​There are three core Orders of Love:

1. Belonging – Every family member has the right to belong, regardless of their actions or fate.
2. Order – There is a natural hierarchy in families based on time, such as parents before children and earlier partners before later ones.
3. Balance of Giving and Receiving – In healthy relationships, especially between equals (like partners or siblings), giving and receiving must be in relative balance over time.

3. Why are the Orders of Love important in Family Constellation work?

These principles help facilitators recognize where disruptions exist in a family system. Violations—such as someone being excluded, roles being reversed (e.g., a child parenting a parent), or unresolved grief—can lead to entanglements passed down through generations. Restoring these orders during a constellation supports deep healing and reconnection.

4. Can breaking the Orders of Love cause problems in my life?

Yes. When the natural flow of love is blocked—through exclusion, imbalance, or confusion in roles—people may unconsciously carry burdens that don't belong to them. This can manifest as emotional distress, health issues, or repeating patterns. Family Constellation work gently uncovers and restores these disrupted orders.

5. Are the Orders of Love based on psychology or spirituality?

​They bridge both worlds. While not derived from traditional psychological theory, the Orders of Love align with systemic principles seen in family therapy and draw on deep spiritual truths about connection, responsibility, and healing. They invite us to view family relationships through a lens of compassion and order.

6. How can I apply the Orders of Love in my life?

​Start by acknowledging and respecting the natural roles and place of each family member—including those who are often forgotten or judged. Honor the past without trying to fix it, accept your parents as they are, and reflect on where giving and receiving may be out of balance in your relationships.