The Orders of Love describe systemic principles concerning belonging, order, and the balance of giving and receiving. Bert Hellinger observed how disturbances in these relationships could become connected to suffering across generations. Presented with annotations by Barry Krost, these teachings clarify the places of parents, children, partners, and others within the family system.
Introduction
Bert Hellinger observed that family systems appear to follow deeper systemic principles that influence connection, belonging, hierarchy, reciprocity, and emotional balance. He called these principles the “Orders of Love.”
From a Family Constellations perspective, when these systemic orders are disrupted, families may experience conflict, emotional suffering, disconnection, parentification, or repeating generational patterns.
The Order of Love*
Annotations by Barry Krost
1. Parents give, and Children take (Parents give life)
2. Parents give more than Children (There is always a disparity in favor of the parents in giving)
3. Love succeeds best when children are children and parent are parents. (Children cannot be bigger than their parents - Parents cannot make children big - Parentification)
4. Honoring the Right to Membership (all family members have an equal right to belong)
5. Maintaining Completeness (A family system feels whole and complete when everyone belongs)
6. Protecting the Hierarchy within a System (precedence is based on time – who came before is first)
7. Maintaining Precedence Between Different Systems (the newest family system has precedence over the previous family system)
8. Accepting the Limitation of Time (Families must release the past that no longer has a good effect)
Additional systemic dynamics
In addition to the Orders of Love, Hellinger also described other systemic dynamics that influence relationship stability, emotional balance, and the movement of love within families and systems.
1. A family system is brought into symmetry when the masculine is allowed to lead in the true service of the family and the feminine. (The masculine role protects the family; the feminine role nurtures it.)
2. We cannot love anyone we identify with or are entangled (We can only love a person we experience as separate from us.)
3. Whoever gives too much or takes too much in a relationship creates an imbalanced, unstable or static relationship that often turns into conflict. (Dynamic reciprocity)
4. When a victim sees their perpetrator is guilty and the perpetrator sees their victim suffered, the tragic bond between them can be released. (Victims must see that the perpetrator is actually guilty for what was done).
5. When a family comes into its correct symmetry everyone relaxes. (Order stabilizes energy)
* Bert Hellinger with Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont, Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, (1998) pages 51-53, 92-94, 152-159.
Annotations and contemporary systemic commentary by Barry Krost based on Family Constellations practice, training, and teaching experience.
This article reflects systemic perspectives commonly explored within Family Constellations and related teachings.
Historical Context
The Orders of Love form part of the historical foundation of Family Constellations. They describe systemic observations made by Bert Hellinger and are not scientifically established laws, moral rules, or universal prescriptions for every family, relationship, or culture.The principles in this article should therefore be considered within their historical context and applied through careful observation rather than as fixed conclusions about a person or family.
About the Author
Barry Krost has been studying Family Constellations since 2003 and has over 40 years of experience in bodywork, somatic education, and systemic healing. He teaches Family Constellations internationally, mentors facilitators through his Training & Certification Program, and has presented at international systemic constellations conferences. His Resource Library reflects decades of professional experience, ongoing study, and a commitment to making Family Constellations accessible through clear, grounded, and ethical education.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How should this annotated reference be read?
The numbered principles are presented with Barry Krost’s annotations. The source citation and historical context distinguish the foundation of the teachings from their application through observation in a particular constellation.
How does precedence within a family differ from priority between families?
Within a family, precedence recognizes who came before: parents precede children, and older siblings precede younger siblings. Between family systems, the newest family has priority. This does not remove an earlier partner or children from their places; their earlier membership remains acknowledged.
Why are giving and receiving unequal between parents and children?
Parents give life, and children take it. Children cannot repay that gift. They carry what they received forward through their own lives rather than becoming responsible for the parents as though they were their equals in that exchange.
What does accepting the limitation of time mean?
The past is acknowledged while what no longer has a good effect is allowed to withdraw. Earlier people and events retain their places without requiring the living to remain bound to their burdens or repeat their fates.
Why are additional systemic dynamics listed separately?
The second list addresses related dynamics, including identification, reciprocity, and the bond between victims and perpetrators. Keeping it separate distinguishes these teachings from the preceding list of Orders of Love.
Are the Orders of Love psychological laws?
The Orders of Love are systemic observations developed within Family Constellations rather than scientifically established laws.
