Bert Hellinger’s Orders of Love in Family Constellations
Systemic principles that support connection, balance, and the healthy flow of love within family systems
Introduction
Bert Hellinger observed that family systems appear to follow deeper systemic principles that influence connection, belonging, hierarchy, reciprocity, and emotional balance. He called these principles the “Orders of Love.”
From a Family Constellations perspective, when these systemic orders are disrupted, families may experience conflict, emotional suffering, disconnection, parentification, or repeating generational patterns.
The Order of Love*
Annotations by Barry Krost
1. Parents give, and Children take (Parents give life)
2. Parents give more than Children (There is always a disparity in favor of the parents in giving)
3. Love succeeds best when children are children and parent are parents. (Children cannot be bigger than their parents - Parents cannot make children big - Parentification)
4. Honoring the Right to Membership (all family members have an equal right to belong)
5. Maintaining Completeness (A family system feels whole and complete when everyone belongs)
6. Protecting the Hierarchy within a System (precedence is based on time – who came before is first)
7. Maintaining Precedence Between Different Systems (the newest family system has precedence over the previous family system)
8. Accepting the Limitation of Time (Families must release the past that no longer has a good effect)
Additional systemic dynamics
In addition to the Orders of Love, Hellinger also described other systemic dynamics that influence relationship stability, emotional balance, and the movement of love within families and systems.
1. A family system is brought into symmetry when the masculine is allowed to lead in the true service of the family and the feminine. (The masculine role protects the family; the feminine role nurtures it.)
2. We cannot love anyone we identify with or are entangled (We can only love a person we experience as separate from us.)
3. Whoever gives too much or takes too much in a relationship creates an imbalanced, unstable or static relationship that often turns into conflict. (Dynamic reciprocity)
4. When a victim sees their perpetrator is guilty and the perpetrator sees their victim suffered, the tragic bond between them can be released. (Victims must see that the perpetrator is actually guilty for what was done).
5. When a family comes into its correct symmetry everyone relaxes. (Order stabilizes energy)
* Bert Hellinger with Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont, Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, (1998) pages 51-53, 92-94, 152-159.
Annotations and contemporary systemic commentary by Barry Krost based on Family Constellations practice, training, and teaching experience.
This article reflects systemic perspectives commonly explored within Family Constellations and related teachings.
Explore Further
You can explore how these systemic dynamics may appear in different relationships, emotional patterns, and family experiences:
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FAQ
What are the Orders of Love in Family Constellations?
The Orders of Love are systemic principles identified by Bert Hellinger that describe how belonging, hierarchy, reciprocity, and relational balance affect the health of family systems.
What happens when the Orders of Love are disrupted?
From a Family Constellations perspective, disruptions may contribute to conflict, emotional suffering, parentification, relationship instability, disconnection, or repeating generational patterns.
What is belonging in Family Constellations?
Belonging refers to the idea that every member of a family system has an equal right to belong and be acknowledged within the system.
What is parentification?
Parentification occurs when children take on emotional or practical responsibilities that belong to parents or adults within the family system.
What does Family Constellations mean by hierarchy?
Hierarchy refers to the natural order within systems, including the idea that parents come before children and earlier relationships have precedence over later ones.
What is reciprocity in relationships?
Reciprocity refers to the balance of giving and receiving that helps relationships remain stable, alive, and emotionally connected.
Are the Orders of Love psychological laws?
The Orders of Love are systemic observations developed within Family Constellations rather than scientifically established laws.
Can Family Constellations help reveal systemic imbalances?
Family Constellations may help bring hidden family dynamics, unresolved trauma, exclusion, and relational imbalances into greater awareness.
