 Family Constellations reveal
deeply hidden dynamics within family systems. Bert Hellinger, the
founder of this therapy, saw consistent patterns that led to specific
disturbances. He eventually called one set of patterns "the Orders of
Love." He believes that love requires particular kinds of arrangements
and movements to be completely given and received "for a healthy and
satisfying life." (1)
In the first Order of Love a
healthy dynamic occurs when children accept their parents and the gift of life
as they are without reservations, with all that goes with it. Our parents and
the life they gave us is a fact, it is not negotiable and cannot be altered.
When we fight against this notion we don't really accept the whole of life and
we can never be complete. Setting up a constellation where clients can choose
to accept their parents can be a very important movement.
"Our parents are the only
possible ones for us. Imagining anything else to be possible is an
illusion." (¹)
In the
second Order of Love, children need to take what their parents gave, (in
addition to life), as being enough. When we believe that we did not get what we
needed from our parents, we never really separate from them; we continue to
hold-on and cannot stand as unique beings. In accepting what they gave as sufficient
we are free to live ours lives without being dependent on them. If not:
"These "children
cannot separate from their parents. Their accusations and demands tie them to
their parents so that, although they are bound to their parents, the children have
no parents. They then feel empty, needy and weak." (IBID)
In the third
Order of Love Hellinger saw that children would often try to carry the guilt of
their parents (or parent) out of love. This also creates an unhealthy
connection to parents that deprives the child of a full and healthy life. In
these cases constellations can be set up that allow the client to give back
what belongs to the parent and accept that the parents will take care of their
own problems.
The fourth
Order of Love is closely related to the third. In this pattern children may
feel that are as big as their parents or bigger. They may try to fix something
that the parent is unable to address or acknowledge. Only by being smaller than
our parents can we receive from them. The flow of love must go forward. In turn
we pass along what is given to us. "Between parents and
children, reciprocity in giving and taking is achieved by giving on to others
what has been taken. It makes parents very happy when children say, "I
take everything you give, and when I'm big, I'll pass it on." (IBID) The next
Order of Love is about the larger family. Hellinger believes that in this
pattern all family members have an equal right to belong. He believes each
family has a conscience at a deep level of the system. This conscience does not
tolerate a member being excluded, shunned or forgotten. To correct this
imbalance younger members of the family system are likely to identify with the
missing family member. This is a frequent element in constellations. "Much serious dysfunction
in families-behavioural disturbances in children, but also illnesses, proneness
to accidents and suicidal behaviour-occur when children unconsciously represent
an excluded person and seek to satisfy that person's need for restitution."
(IBID) Younger
family members can be released from an entanglement with a missing family
member by creating a constellation in which the excluded member is recognized
and restored to their proper place in the family. At the same time the
representative for the younger family member can be encouraged to let go of the
identification and the responsibility that is clearly not their own.
My own
experience as a constellation facilitator is that some
aspects of these orders are found in most constellations as they unfold. There
are variations and some differences based on culture, nationality and the
particular fate of each family. Addressing the proper flow of love in family
systems is very healing and powerful way of finding our place in the world. |
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